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Just for Fun!
Who Would Dare?!!
A sign
prominently displayed at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
“WE WOULD
RATHER DO BUSINESS
WITH 1000 AL
QAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH A
SINGLE AMERICAN”
You are
probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One
would think that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the
angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times, one might be
tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a
society that holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty and
after all, it is just a sign.
But what kind
of business, you may ask, would dare post such a sign? A Funeral Home!
(Who said morticians have no sense of humor?)
(Found on
the Internet)
A Quiz for People Who
Know Everything
1. What famous
North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
2. Only three
words in standard English begin with the letters “dw.” They are all
common. Name two of them.
3. There are
fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of
them?
4. Where are
the lakes that are referred to in the “Los Angeles Lakers?”
Answers:
1. Niagara
Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of
the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
2. Dwarf,
dwell, and dwindle.
3. Period,
comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark,
exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and
ellipses.
4. Minnesota.
The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the
name when they moved west.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday...
lying
in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder now,
no
one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue,
I
start breathing again.
If you’re playing poker and you look around
the
table and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you.
Classes for Men 
Sign up at the Adult
Learning Center by March 30
(P.S. Since your Resource
Roundup editors are women, we are uniquely qualified to
appreciate the compelling need for these classes! -Ed.)
NOTE:
Due to the complexity and difficulty level of each course, a maximum of
eight participants will be accepted. Courses are:
Topic 1: How to
fill up the ice cube trays. (Step by step, with slide presentation)
Topic 2: The
toilet paper rolls: Do they grow on the holders? (Roundtable discussion)
Topic 3:
Lifting the toilet seat; Lowering the toilet seat (Group practice)
Topic 4:
Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor
(pictures and explanatory graphics)
Topic 5: Loss
of Identity: What to do when your wife uses the remote (Support group
formation)
Topic 6:
Learning to find things: Start with looking in the logical place instead
of turning the house upside down while yelling for help (Open forum)
Topic 7:
Bringing her flowers: Your health will not be harmed (Graphics and audio
tape)
Topic 8:
Admitting you’re lost; Asking for directions (Real-life testimonials)
Topic 9:
Becoming the ideal shopping companion (Relaxation exercises, meditation
and breathing techniques)
Topic 10:
Fighting cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, and
other important dates; calling when you’re going to be late (Cerebral
shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered)
Upon
completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
(Found on
the Internet)
8th Grade Final Exam --
1895
Many of our grandparents and
great-grandparents only had an 8th-grade education. Well, check this
out. How many high-school seniors today could pass the following test?
This is the eighth-grade final
exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas. It was taken from the original
document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library
in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use
of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and
define those that have no Modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and
Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts
of a verb? Give Principal Parts of lie, play and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each
Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give
rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of
about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use
of the rules of grammar.
Arithmetic (Time, 1.25
hours)
1. Name and define the
Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep,
10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs
3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for
tare?
4. District No. 33 has a
valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school
seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal
at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60
for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40
boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20.00 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300
for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square
farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a
Promissory Note, and a Receipt.
U.S. History (Time, 45
minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which
U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the
discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and
results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth
of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the
history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most
prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following:
Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with
the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.
Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the
following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds?
How classified?
3. What are the following, and
give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters,
linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for
caret ‘u.’
5. Give two rules for spelling
words with final ‘e.’ Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent
letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following
prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi,
post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and
divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates
the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly
in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein,
raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently
mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and
by syllabication.
Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what
does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the
extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of
what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of
North America.
5. Name and describe the
following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena,
Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the
principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of
Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast
colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by
which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of
the earth. Give the inclination of
the earth.
This final
exam took six hours to complete. Gives the saying “he only had an
8th-grade education” a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?
If
flying is so safe, why do they
call
the airport the terminal?
I don’t approve of political jokes...
I’ve
seen too many of them get elected.
Everyday I beat my own previous record
for
the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How come we choose from just two people
to
run for president and 50 for Miss America?
‘I’ve
been on a vegetarian diet all week, and I hate it.
They’re
harder to catch than cows are. And the meat’s stringier.’
(Paraphrased
from a ‘Zits’ cartoon)
Long
ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it
was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.
Eventually
you will reach a point when you
stop
lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The
older we get, the fewer things
seem
worth waiting in line for.
Old
age is when former classmates are so gray
and
wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.
If
you don’t learn to laugh at trouble,
you
won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Some
people try to turn back their odometers.
Not
me. I want people to know why I look this way.
I’ve
traveled a long way
and
some of the roads weren’t paved.
Subject: Inner Peace
I am passing on
to you some very simple advice which worked for me. I have finally found
inner peace. The advice, which I read in an article, simply said “The
way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve
started.”
So, today I
have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of
Jack Daniel’s, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a quart of
rocky road ice-cream. You have no idea how good I feel.
Pass this on to
all those in need of Inner Peace.
(Found on
the Internet)
You know those
signs: Men at Work?
Women work all
the time.
Men have to put
up a sign when they do it.
(Posted 22 March 2003 11:00AM)
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